Joshua has his last bottle at 4am, he can drink until 10am but doesn't. His other grandparents arrive, it's great to see Gordon, he's been such good support. But I can't focus on anyone. Clare and Richard are there, Mum, Dads gone home. I'm in a fog.
I clock watch all day, I hope Joshua sleeps all morning, but of course he doesn't. He knows something is happening. I ask Stephanie the Clinical nurse Specialist what to tell him... I'm at a loss. Stephanie helps me and we tell him the Drs are going to
fix his headache, which is a bit hard for him to understand, because he hasn't had any since the drain went in.
He keeps telling me he wants to go home, or to somewhere else. Its so hard when he's upset, thats the killer for me.
We leave at 1215,
I'm numb, its a blur, I dont realise we are going right into theatre. I thought he'd be put to sleep in the anesthetic room. Joshua keeps telling us, Im scared, Im scared Mummy, inside I am screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel like I am putting him
down. We are calm, we are brave, I tell him is he's falling asleep 'Come back to Mummy Joshua'. Mike keeps me on my feet as we leave the room, but all I can hear is this woman wailing again.
I don't remember walking back to level 3, all I remember is
Clare holding me and rocking me and the noise I was making. This is the lowest point of my life.
The plan is to go out shopping at Sylvia Park, I hold Gordon, my father in laws hand as we walk in. I try not to think about what's happening to Joshua
now, I focus on buying a few things to help with his recovery. I'm wondering, what he will be like coming back from surgery, my terror is him not being able to speak. Joshua's a yacker.
At 4 pm, Mum says to me, 'i've relaxed, the tumor is out and he's
going to be ok." Mum has always had an amazing 6th sense. she regularly tells me things, before they happen.
After that, I feel a little better. We head back to Grafton at 5 pm, we are expecting to hear something between 6 and 7. Everytime the cellphone
rings we both jump.
At 6 pm the phone rings and it's the recovery nurse saying that there is a little boy in recovery asking for Mummy. I start crying (again), If he's asking for Mummy, I know he's ok.
We run up, the whole of the mews is congratulating
us as we go. Today was the blackest day of my life, but Joshua came back to his Mum.